I was talking to God last night. This isn’t along the lines of my regular posts, but it hit me like… a cantaloupe in the stomach or something, and I just felt led to share it. Of course it’s hard to re-create what was obviously not a tangible conversation, just back-and-forth thoughts.
Me: God, can you please, just give me some encouragment? I’m sorry to ask, but all of me is at half-mast tonight.
God: *shows me the lighthouse on my desktop background*
Me: But that’s so impersonal.
God: Every wave that was captured and frozen on camera was for you.
Me: But not only me.
God: Only you, and only each other person who saw them.
Me: But you know I wish for encouragement from people, people whose approval I crave.
God: You wish for that more than MY approval?
Me: I knew you’d say that. …I’m sorry. But it’s so difficult to be two people at once- myself, and the person I choose to show…. And it never really works. I always try to wear a mask to soften my piercing emotions, but no one ever seems satisfied with that mask… and even less with my UN-masked self. I know YOU care… I wish more people understood.
God: I do care: hear that film music in the background? I caused that to be written for you.
Me: *a sigh and the twinge of a smile*
God: So… you want someone to understand you.
God: If someone did, if someone knew all your expressions and what they meant, if they understood all your secret fears and prayers… would you keep casting all your cares upon Me?
I realized I was caught.
Me: …..no, I wouldn’t.
God: *gently* Grace, no one will ever understand.
I hung my head a moment. I knew He was right. What if there WAS someone who could penetrate my soul? Would I want that comfort if I knew it would ultimately result in God’s singular comfort fading out of my life? I came to understand why He withholds this from me. And I not only became resolved– I praised Him for it. He was very gentle. “But I will always understand,” He assured me quietly, while He showed me again His signature on the lighthouse, on the woods around our house, on the faces of those around me, and on my own body and heart. Part of me still wishes for that human comfort I had craved. But the knowledge that it will never come in perfection, and the thankful awareness that something better is already mine… somehow makes the deprivation easier to bear.