What He Must Be

With all the books and babble floating around about marriage, the issue of qualifications for a potential husband or wife appears to be pertinent. I’ve seen a lot of writing on the subject: some from informed and thoughtful authors, and some from people who have no idea what they’re talking about but that hasn’t prevented them from having an opinion!

So since I obviously fall into the latter category, here is my list of the top 10 qualifications for my future man.

#10. He must take me to New Zealand where we will skydive, bungee-jump and HANG-GLIDE while pretending we’re in Middle Earth. “Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him.”

#9. He must never feel ashamed of me for my inability to do more than 15 pushups.

#8. He must be superior to me in that he is able to park the ideal distance from the Sonic drive-in order button: neither too close, nicking the rear-view mirror, or too far, because leaning way out of the window is never attractive and sometimes your clothes get dirty when you rub them against the outside of the car door.

#7. He must be able to speak with at least one accent.

#6. He must let me buy him clothes.

#5. He must wear the clothes I buy him. (in other words, he must trust me.)

#4. He must be my fearless and shining champion against caterpillars. Methods of killing do not interest me, as long as none are left alive.

#3. He must build me bookshelves. Please, my multiple translations of Cyrano de Bergerac and Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis cannot be left lying on the ground. Also, empty bookshelves obviously scream to be filled, which I will do gladly and my happiness will be greatly enriched.

#2. “He must be swift as the coursing river… with all the force of the great typhoon… with all the strength of the raging fire… mysterious as the dark side of the moon!”

#1. He must be able to open tightly-closed jars. Because I can’t, and I don’t like the thought of starving or eating my burgers without pickles.

Thank you. That is all. =P